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Fun ways to jack off

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How to Make Toy Vaginas 1080 X 1920

Cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go. You can also turn your salami into a sandwich by slapping it between two pieces of bread, bologna, chicken breast, chicken skin, lamb kebob, spam, liver, lox, or steak.

Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt. Plastic Baggie. Pick your size from snack to storage , fill it with Crisco, Vaseline, Jell-O or banana pulp, and then stuff it with your meat.

Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion. Rubber Gloves.

When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off.

Use your favorite lubricant unless you're into medical fetishes, or the sensation of being examined at the doctor's office. If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, but the stinging will subside.

News News See all. Food See all. Music See all. Music Pick Livestreaming : Lit October 7, Entertainment See all.

The State of the Art House: L. Arts See all. What are some ways to jack off? Add Opinion. How about using your right hand for a change, if you are left handed?

Or the other way around.. You can use both hands come to think of it.. Or, sit on one of your hands long enough that there is no blood flow anymore and your hand is numb and when you use that hand now, it feels even better : A friend of mine used pillows to hump..

The creepiest one I have heard and seen was this guy in a video look it up in google who supposedly got two of his lowest ribs removed in order to give himself a blow job..

You know when people paint faces on their hands for hand puppets? Paint one on your hand, name it, talk to it and use that.

Never tried it, but I heard it cures chicken pox. Sure, if you're dying of a terrible disease, you can go to a hospital for treatment with modern medicine, but some people still like the idea of using herbs to clear up a sucking chest wound.

Who knows what might work? So with that in mind, I have decided to put my very body on the line to help you , fellow jackers, determine just what is the best method of wanking.

Do the olden ways stand up to today's modern superjackoffery? Science will tell us! I don't have a degree in anthropology or dick tuggery, but I am an amateur in both.

It is therefore my nonprofessional belief that the origin of masturbation is connected to the right wrist. Even for you lefties.

Back in the day, you wouldn't dare touch your precious genitals with your sinister devil's paw. Only the right hand would do.

So we can agree that masturbation probably first happened with a bare hand -- probably well before the s, if you can believe it.

Maybe one day, our monkey ancestor was sitting in his tree, lounging under a palm frond, enjoying some delicious papaya, when some of it slipped and landed on his little monkey dinky.

He reached for it, grabbed both together, pulled, and suddenly we had nuclear power, iPhones, and Hot Pockets.

As it happens, I have tried this old chestnut myself once or twice, but for science, I did it again. So I hope that right now, you're picturing me literally stopping my writing of this article right here, pushing my chair back a little bit, pulling out the mayo, and starting to churn my own butter.

Try to imagine some sound effects, like a grunt of consternation, a chipmunk-like tittering, and the bass growl of a tired and hungry bear. Did you picture it?

Anyway, I'm sure nearly all of you are aware that this is aces. It's hard to beat the good cheer brought about by your own hand. It knows just what you like, and if you're not too callused or maybe you are and you dig texture , then it feels just fine, too.

For you ladies, try to imagine something you really enjoy the feel of, repeatedly and rhythmically working your lady flower.

I'm told by our research team that female masturbation is actually a thing these days as well, and has more fans than paddle boarding, so maybe imagine that.

As many fellows will tell you, about a year or two after you've mastered the hand technique, your mind starts wandering. Your hand is one thing in a world of many things.

Probably, like, things. What would those other things feel like if they were jerking your gherkin? So you start experimenting. Maybe it's Halloween and you have a pumpkin handy.

Maybe your beanbag chair sprung a leak and has an appropriately-sized orifice barfing beans in your room. Maybe you have a slice of ham.

I'm not saying there's anything inherently sexy about ham. I'm not saying you can't use turkey, or even tofurky, if you swing that way.

I'm really just advocating the texture more than anything -- which, upon rereading this sentence, is somehow even more gross.

Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver. If you're not picking up what I'm putting down yet, allow me to elucidate.

For this particular solo mission to Dribblesville, you need to take a slice of deli ham -- and in this case, you don't necessarily want it super thin -- and maybe pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds.

Maybe you want it in a piece of bread for added grip, I don't know. I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information.

Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert.

This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting. Have you smelled deli ham lately? Give it a try.

Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes. The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around.

I can't recommend it. Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide. There's a reason Fleshlight hasn't hired me as an ad man.

That aside, the inside of a Fleshlight is soft, squishy, and textured with various nubs, swirls, and ridges. The basic goal of a Fleshlight was to make a vagina into a handheld device; an idea that will get exponentially creepier the more time you devote to thinking about it.

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